The 45-minute Ride to the Site
Tammy: I think you were just like in automatic mode it seemed like. So, did you drive straight out there? So, what were you thinking on the way out there?
Chris: Kind of like what I’m doing right now, I’m just like, you know, nervous, shaking, not knowing what’s going to happen. Like my life has completely changed, I don’t know what’s happening. Honestly, I try to picture that whole ride – it’s like 45 minutes to an hour ride out there – and it’s just like, couldn’t I have like saved my girls’ life? Couldn’t I have done something? Why did I do that? I don’t know. Like, this is my flesh and blood. This is like what I wanted all my life was to be a dad, just to have kids, they love me, all that, kind of just nothing made sense. Like the oil tank, nothing made sense. I’m just like, “What the hell am I doing?”
Bella and CeCe
Tammy: So, what happened when you got out there?
Chris: I took Shanann out just to a place off to the site. And then —
Tammy: What were the girls doing when you were doing that?
Chris: Just sitting in the back of the truck.
Tammy: And then what happened after that?
Chris: CeCe was first. She did have a blanket. She had a blue blanket. A Yankees blanket.
Tammy: So, was she alive when she went into the oil tank? No?
Chris: No. I put the blanket over her head.
Grahm/Dave: And that’s how she passed?
Chris: I put the blanket over head, I didn’t want to… I strangled her right there in the back seat.
Tammy: What was Bella doing?
Chris: She was sitting right beside her.
Grahm/Dave: Did she understand, did she know what was going on?
Chris: She didn’t say anything.
Grahm/Dave: And then the same for Bella? Just without a blanket?
Chris: With the blanket. I didn’t look, like every time I close my eyes, I just hear her saying, “Daddy, no” and that was it.
Grahm/Dave: That’s what Bella said?
Chris: I hear that every day.
Grahm/Dave: Do you really? Are you sorry, man?
Chris: Sorry doesn’t take anything back that I did.
Grahm/Dave: I know. Is it possible that in your mind you didn’t want them to suffer throughout their life? Was this like a mercy killing?
Chris: I mean, you could say that like after the fact, but it was just like, I don’t —
Tammy: You didn’t feel like that during it?
Chris: That didn’t feel like it was just anger with Shanann, with everything, that I was taking it out on everybody that was in front of me that morning. I mean, the kids growing up without their parents, depending on what grandparents or whoever they grew up with seem to be fine, but it was just like, it was an anger thing. It was just like —
Tammy: And what were you so angry at Shanann about? Like if you could pinpoint it?
Chris: Nothing that, nothing that makes anybody want to do this. You could be angry at your spouse your whole life, but you should never have done anything like this. You should never let it get to that point. But I let it get to a point where I never, I mean, I’ve never been angry before and this is like the epitome of being angry, the epitome of like showing a rage, the epitome of like losing your mind. And even like some people in here said, they were like, “What the heck happened? You must have frickin’ snapped.” I just walked away. It’s like, you know, I don’t see it in my mind, how it could have like, you know, I look outside every day, I’m like, “What could we be doing right now?” Right now, I’d have a 5-year-old, a 3-year-old and, more than likely, a one-month-old son and a beautiful wife. And it’s just like, right now, it’s just me.